Potter Goes Wonky
by Jessicka Winter
Summary: Heh, I forgot to put in a disclaimer, but I dont own any of the peeps. I wrote this because I have lots of fragments floating around, so I just took all my fragments, messed with them, and made a comedy story. Thats what bordum does to you.
1. Malfoy Manor

Potter Goes Wonky - Chapter 1, Malfoy Manor  
  
Narrator: Hi, this is a story about when Harry Potter went insane. Not just the actual charcter Harry Potter, because he does go insane, but like, all the other people in it go insane aswell. Erm...yeah. So anyway, everything starts off in Malfoy Manor where Draco malfoy is um....doing.....stuff.  
  
Draco: Hmmm, who should I get off with that I hate today? Ginny, Or Harry? Oh god its so hard to decide - Maybe I will just get good old Proffesor Snape to rape me again.  
  
Narrator: The, all of a sudden, Lucius Malfoy walks in suprising Draco. Draco appears to be a bit slow, because Lucius actually is his Father and lives in the same house as him, so its not really that suprsing he should walk in, but there we go.  
  
Lucius: Hello son  
  
Draco: Hello Father, why arnt you beating up Mother somewhere, or shagging her lovingly, depending on who is writing.  
  
Lucius: How do you know about tha...Ah who cares how you know, actualy I was just looking for her so I could get a bit of shagging in before brekfast.  
  
Draco: I dont know where she is, seeing as how she only seems to exsist during the Quidditch World Cup.  
  
Lucius: Oh, right, damn.  
  
Narrator: Then, for some bizare reason, which will son become known, Legolas walks in wearing a dress.  
  
Draco: HOY! What are you doing here, I am meant to be the attractive blonde in this film, not you, sod off!  
  
Legolas: *in high pitched voice* Thats no way to talk to your Mother, young man!  
  
Lucius: What? Your not Narcissa - youre the pointy eared bow twanger from LOTR!  
  
Legolas: *in normal voice* I know that, good sir, but there was a fell voice in the air....  
  
Lucius: Oh bloody hell, stop the elvish nonsense and tell us what youre doing here!  
  
Legolas: Erm...I already had a long blonde wig so JK Rowling just gave me the part.  
  
Draco: NOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Lucius: Shut up Draco, off you go and shag Potter.  
  
Draco: NOOOOO....hey - how do you know about that?  
  
Narrator: Now think yourselves lucky thats the end of chapter one. 


	2. At Home With The Dursleys

Potter Goes Wonky - Chapter 2, At home with the Dursleys  
  
Narrator: Okay, so now we are leaving Malfoy Manor for a little while, and seeing what Harry's doing in the holidays.  
  
Harry: I am so depressed, Draco hasnt sent me any erotic photographs of himself by owl for over a week, and those others are getting a bit tired out.  
  
Draco Photo One: To right, I am getting tired out Potter! Youre a bloody animal!  
  
Draco Photo Two: I mean, how much do you think a photo can take? Poor old three is so exsausted he can barey move!  
  
Draco Photo Three: *moans*  
  
Narrator: Okay, this is just bit gross, can we move on please guys? I am a girl you know - there are some things I just shouldnt be exposed to!  
  
Harry: *suprised* Youre a GIRL?  
  
Narrator: Dont act so shocked, butt head - I have the power to get you into bed with VERNON!!!  
  
Harry: HAH! I dare you! You wouldnt be brave enough!  
  
Narrator: Fine then you four-eyed freak! All of a sudden, Harry heard his Uncle Vernon stirring in the next room. He heard a sharp rap on the wall and froze, suddenly afraid.  
  
Vernon: Quiet down, boy! Dont make me come in there! Why arnt you sleeping!  
  
Harry: I cant get to sleep, I'm not tired.  
  
Vernon: Well I know of away to tire you out, boy....  
  
Narrator: The door to Harry's tiny bdroom creaked open and Uncle Vernon walked in, sexily, wearing a REVELING LILAC NEGLIGEE!!!!  
  
Harry: ARGH! NOOOOO! I take it back! Your feminine! YOUR FEMININE!!!  
  
Venon: Really, Harry? Why I never thougt you saw me like that! *pounces on Harry, making cat noises*  
  
Harry: HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST -YOU SADIST BITCH OF NARRATOR! *Is smothered in mustachy kisses*  
  
Narrator: Heh heh heh - I think, this brings us to the end of Chapter Two. And the moral of this chapter is......never mess with a writer! 


	3. Back to school at last

Potter Goes Wonky, Chapter 3, Back to school at last.  
  
Narrator: Okay, so after a rather confusing summer holiday everyone is back at Hogwarts, where disaster awaits.  
  
Sorting hat: Look, I really dont think I can cope anymore! I mean, all this mindreading is very hard work, plus the making up of songs, the confusing the minds of Gryfindors by telling them all they ould be great in Slythrn - I think I shold get paid!  
  
Harry: You tell everyone that? Brilliant!  
  
Sorting hat: 8gives Harry a dirty look*  
  
Dumbledore: YOUR A HAT! What are you going to do with MONEY?  
  
Sorting hat: I dont know...I fancy a dry clean - maybe I want to pay off someone whos blackmailing me...  
  
Flitwick: *shifty eyes*  
  
Dumbledore: Well, can we at least do the sorting first and THEN we can disscus payment for your....services?  
  
Sorting hat: Look, beardy, I told you - cash now, sorting later!  
  
Random Ravenclaw: Just pay the bloody hat so we can eat!  
  
Dumbledore: Oh very WELL! Here - take the stupid money - 20 galleons for the school year.  
  
Sorting hat: Hu, thats less than the housel bloody well gets....  
  
Dumbledore: Do you want me to turn you into a bonnet??????  
  
Sorting hat: NOOOOOO!  
  
Narrator: So the sorting hat got wages and everyone was happy for that night - but I wonder, why was Flitwick looking so suspicious? Find out tomorow! He I just realised, every chapter seems to end with the sentance NOOOO! Ah well, thats life, baby! 


	4. Weasling out of it

Potter Goes Wonky - chapter 4, WeasLing out of it.  
  
Narrator: Here we are, still at Hogwarts and a secret Rendez-vous is going on betwen two of the students.....  
  
Ginny: Bloody hell its cold - now where could he be!  
  
Narraor: Yup, Little Ginny Weasly is meeting up with her boyfriend. Aw, how cute.  
  
Ginny: Hurry up, Vincent!  
  
Narrator: Vincent? Hang on a sec - Vincent as in VINCENT CRABBE?  
  
Crabbe: Yoo-hoo! Ginny! I am over heeerrre!  
  
Ginny: Vincie-kins! Finaly - I have been waiting for about 10 minutes!  
  
Crabbe: Sorry Snookiebum, I was trying to decide what flowers I should bring you. *produces a bouquet of.....Dandelions?*  
  
Ginny: Oh Vincie-kins! You really.....shouldnt have. *Takes the bouquet, gingerly*  
  
Narrator: HAH HA HAAAA! WHAT A GREAT A GAG! GINGERLY - GET IT? Because Ginny is ginger...oh never mind.....tough room....Anyway, suddenly the sickeningly grotesque pairing hear a noise and look round the corner, and who should they see but wee Proff Flitwick carrying someting that looks oddly...pointy....  
  
Flitwick: Uh-oh! I do hope no students are out here canoodling, the game will be up for me!  
  
Pointy thing: I will be disgraced!! Oh woe, woe is me!  
  
Flitwick: Shut up, Leroy!  
  
Ginny: Uh-oh Vincie-kins! We better hide in this broom cuboard in case Flitwick and his mate Leroy catch us!  
  
Crabbe: Okay - I have wanted to get you alone in the broom cuboard for quite some time!  
  
Ginny: *blushes*  
  
Narrator: For full details of what goes on in the broom cuboard, contact a het-slash writer - this is a comedy, not a PWP!  
  
Flitwick: *produces Leroy - oh my golly, its none other than the sorting hat!*  
  
Leroy: Rawr - you turn me on, midget man!  
  
Flitwick: Oh, how sad is the life of a hat fetishist! Its all I can bare not to take off my own hat and shag it - but a talking one?  
  
Leroy (the sorting hat, in case you havnt worked that out yet): Yeah yeah - just as long as this makes sure those, compromising photographs are destroyed....  
  
Flitwick: yes yes, now shut up and lets shag!  
  
Narrator: You know what - lets just leave them to it - I may be forced to gouge out my eyes and rip off my ears if I have to pay attention to that any more! *runs away sobbing* 


End file.
